where did the time go?

It has been 16 years since I first became a mother and 14 since I went at it alone. It was easier to focus a hundred percent attention when it was just one. Finances would have been better managed if I still had only one.

I have, however, been blessed with two more when I decided to remarry. And soo headed to another divorce. 

Relationships with the firstborn are like being on a roller-coaster ride.
Start out slow and easy.
At every transition, anxiety-inducing.
At its peak, nerve-wracking and involves a lot of screaming and self-questioning of "What have I done?" or "What did I put myself through?"

But at the end, 

a sense of satisfaction.

That makes us want to take that ride again or abandon it altogether.

Sometimes, I am guilty of pushing the single mother stigma on him.

How?

When he misbehaves in school or shows acts of being irresponsible, I turn it to be about the way I raise him.

"Your teacher will think that you are disorganized because your mother is a single working mother who has no time to train and discipline her children!"
It may or may not be true. But, I do hope that he understands that his every action reflects on him and his upbringing, like it or not.

Or I am just projecting my insecurities on him.

Mean words have been exchanged.

Verbal quarrels turned physical.

So many times, I have felt like handing over the parenting to the estranged father.

Just take a breather.

Just be apart.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that jazz.

Just to gain back my sanity.

In raising children, I am often faced with these questions : 

How much do you let go?

How much do you pull back?

Will his shortcomings be a mark of my failure?

Like every roller coaster ride, the ups and downs will come to an end.

How the end will depend on how I perceive the journey.

Did I enjoy the ride? Did it amuse me like how rides in an amusement park should be?

Should I just hang around and enjoy the sweetness that comes in the form of that salted caramel popcorn and candy floss?

Look at all those daredevils on the ride and wonder why they put themselves through all that?

Did I dread the ride I took? Was there actually some good out of it?

Should I give up and just avoid all these while I am around?

Where is the fun in that?

Where did the time go?

It really felt like just yesterday when I was clueless as to how to handle a newborn baby.

The feeling is still so fresh.

Now, I am clueless as to how to handle a teenager.